WHAT’S GOING ON??

 

A lot has happened to me since my last personal post, I have moved many miles from where I lived this was due to running from domestically violent household with someone who thought it was okay to rape me, threaten & control me when he wanted. Sure when I was younger I was stupid  I screwed up much of my young life, trouble with the law drugs and drink basically I made a total twit of myself.  What else will you do if you don’t have the importance of good life,  good upbringing, people who believe in you. People who say its possible to change I remember no one had faith in me,  as no one had faith I did not see the point in myself, no one thought I would do anything other than cause trouble, My life would never mount to anything. my confidence had become low, motivation was non-existent when i was in my teens even to my late 20s.  Of course I’d miscarried by fourteen and  mum by twenty six, When I was eleven to sixteen I loved being out with my boyfriend Rob was his name we used to hang on the park doing everything possible to escape my life.  I ended up bouncing from home to home, job to job even being unemployed for years living on the streets well church graveyard. I had ambitions, plans but continually heard they would not happen and I was wasting my time.

So I never had anyone to tell me you know what sure you messed up but look this is possible. You have the ability to do everything you would like to set your mind to it and you’ll succeed.  Well since coming to my new home I’ve met people who believe in me. People who told me how much I have improved in confidence over the past few weeks. It’s hard to think that someone telling you that you count for something, would boost you that your belief that your just a screw up, and you’ve fucked up your life is wrong.   The past four weeks I have been on a course which aimed to boost my confidence, improve my sleep, learn healthy eating, relaxation plus many other things. Everyone ended our final course with how well I’m doing which gave me the much needed boost. I realised many things since being in this city, somewhere I know no body the main thing is I need to do things to make me proud of myself. I don’t need to care what others think of me, but my plans can come to fruition with hard work and dedication.  So recently I’ve gone from 27 units of alcohol in one day to 22units in a week, with intention for bringing it down even further next week.

Drinking is common coping mechanism when you have been through 20 years of hell. I’ve learnt that it is common for any one running from what I have, you know what I can tell you this above everything else I’ve learnt how to believe in me, the most important thing  I can do. You see Domestic Violence / Domestic abuse / Coercive Control strips the person of everything they have, so the first step is rebuilding myself from inside out. But know what I need to say this to everyone out there, if you have been involved in gang crime, knife crimes, gun crimes, in trouble with the law, been on drugs or alcoholic, mentally ill or simply lost your way. If this is because no one has given you  chance or crushed every dream you have had. Told you your worthless, never mount to anything, your wasting your time or you’re a worthless piece of shit.

 

Nothing can be further from the truth, I screwed up my youth and therefore remember the feeling of handcuffs, I remember the sensation of being in the police cell, even remember the feeling I got going through  booking in with in the police station. No one was there for me to steer me in the right direction, I remember threatening the police to throw them off bridges, through windows just like I did workers with in the hostel I once lived. The feeling of carrying the knife, sleeping with it under the pillow, even the feeling of using it. How it felt to smoke the weed and other drugs I took, being nicked for drunk & disorderly amongst other things.  I remember being threatened with CS spray, but now I’m rebuilding my life proving that I’m able to do better. I will do what I want to in this life with sheer hard work and a new found determination.   I don’t just think I can I know I can improve myself and rebuild who I am and what I was into who I want to be.

Just like I know everyone else with a bad past can do the same, I believe and have faith in your if no one else will. Because if I can turn my life round then trust me anyone can with the right support anything is possible. I have to rebuild from the inside out but im going to courses through Mind which is a mental health charity to regain my confidence & self esteem, motivation, help me deal with my anxiety & relaxation, I’m aiming to do one in regards to dealing with conflict. I’m going to CGL to help recover from the alcohol from this I hope to become a peer mentor, then study to be a specialist in this field but I would like to help other charities such like Valley House, Mind and the SVP Saint vincents de paul society and give tlks on the issues I have gone through in my life.  As for the books I’m currently writing a 40 poem chapbook, as well as being 65,937 words into a scifi novel. I’m also in the process of the planning a series of books on the subject of knife crime, gun crime, gangs, among other aspects of my youth.

DO I REGRET IT???    

Yes I do in some instances i wish i could take it back, see from the moment I pulled the knife on the kid when I was younger I changed.   My life took a wrong turn onto a bad road I wish i could take back the control earlier, there’s not a day I dont have nightmares about my life or what happened to me due to my ex.

I will post again next week on wednesday.