Breaking down the walls

 

Breaking down the walls of Jericho as the sun rises high in the heavenly skies
really depends on the shape of your mind and how tolerant you can be,

to entertain the peace and harmony which spreads across the lands in this time,
a time of renewal and soldier putting their weapons down facing a new adversary,

A home grown threat and horrors abound but united through fear we stand.

Never letting our guards down regardless of who we are,
as the birds sing in their nests and the cats meow on the fence,
we stand united and watch the bombs fall through society,
as the aftershocks are felt throughout humanity,
united we stand to help rebuild through the darker days,
a golden flow of energy as we stand united as one against atrocity.

 

You to can stand in the honour of your race, for we are all the same
no matter of the colour of your skin or religion you may be,
do not compartmentalize society, and create diversity for this causes a divide
in our precious world and disharmony we see through negative acts,
instead unite with your friends and community to put the positives,
back into our world and create a unique union for we all have our part to play.

 

As the golden rays of the sun shine on us,
a world we are yet to know and discover,
one of peace and harmony, tranquility in the sky
upon this brand new day.

The Redemption – Chapter One

The sun beat down on the backs of the sports jocks dressed in the golden coloured shorts and white t-shirts. As they ran around the field practised for an upcoming inter-school competition. While another team enjoyed a game of cricket out in the large school field. While a group settled down the old dirt track which ran along the small cut, a lake which shut the school from the rest of the land. A large brown building used to be a paper mill, when a group of teens who appeared to be well dressed and neatly presented watched and laughed at the scruffy children of the lower classes.

 

Within minutes the smartly dressed teens had seen a young fair haired child, and started to jostle him around for a few minutes. Before a slim build 6ft dark haired tanned skinned man put his foot out with a smirk as he tripped him up, and watched him land in mud which made him more dirty than it did before. After the child hit the floor a group of teens kicked him in the guts although Iuan could not see or hear exactly what happened. He never did like five kids against one those was uneven odds. No matter what the fight was he did not like that, but before he knew anything he found himself in the Principals office. He lent back in his chair and thought about what he had heard, as he looked through the files and back to the parents of the teens in front of him.

 

“Why was you boys fighting? Think about your answer carefully kids.” a small stocky overweight man looked over for a minutes as he waited for one of the boys to answer aware the parents of both children was stood with them. Iuan looked over to the principal and thought for a minute.

 

”Because he was picking on other children younger than him, bullying them and beating them up. Demanding their dinner money and if they refused he’d flush their heads down the toilets but you lot did nothing about it.” Iuan sighed and looked to his friend and then back to the principal.

 

”You have no proof to say I was doing that your the one who jumped me first. Your the one who started the unprovoked attack and I was trying to pin you so you’d calm the hell down but you seem calm now. Their right you are a freak.” Templeton stated and jumped from his seat as he noticed Iuan trying to get out of his chair and over to attack him.

 

“I am bitterly disappointed in you both, Templeton I expected you to have calmed down since you was last in the hospital. I advise they deal with you, but I have no choice but to suspend you from school for three months. Depending on what your parents and doctors say.  Where as Iuan your suspended for six months perhaps that will give you time to think and above all else consider your future.” The principal was trying to be fair as he looked to the boys he shook his head he knew the school had a bullying problem but was or thought he was dealing with it. “While you boys are out of school I will be gathering evidence and if there is any signs either of you are bullying anyone I will ensure your thrown out of school. Do you understand me?” the principal growled and looked over to the slim dark haired children in front of him.

 

”Yes sir, “ the boys said and stood up as their fathers pulled them to their feet. “I will ensure they have a stern talking to and will make an appointment to see their doctor before the week is up. I apologize for my son.” the custodians stated as they went to take the kids out of the room Iuan looked to Leighton and shook his head

 

”Dad could not be bothered right, or has his arsines got too much to do for the twit of a president?” Iuan looked over aware everyone assumed Leigh was his dad or that’s how they acted Leighton shook his head as he listened to the attitude coming from the kid.

 

”Cut the attitude he is busy but he knows what you did and is not happy over it. He’s called the doc and you have an appointment this afternoon but we are going home first you can get changed pack a bag I got a feeling you wont be coming home.” Leighton stated as he knew the kid would not like that news being scared of the place.

 

The journey home was quiet as they drove through the main town and looked to the old houses and woods scattered around. Wych was a lovely quiet town many people thought it was too quiet, but it was a good place in the right sector of society which is why image was so important. After a while they climbed out of the blue Tesla car and walked into the house as Iuan walked down to the kitchen collecting his favorite knife with a dark smile on his face.

 

“IF YOUR DAD WAS HERE HE’D HAVE YOU LOCKED UP IN NO TIME! YOUR NOTHING SON, NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF SCUM ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE. SCRAPING THE BARREL WITH YOUR WAYWARD DEEDS.” a six foot red haired lady with a rounded face and beautiful golden eyes stood in the large modern decorated  kitchen. While she made  rhubarb crumble as she screamed at her thirteen year old slim dark haired son who stood playing with his favorite knife and an evil glint in his eyes.

 

”Yeah well that ass ain’t here mother dear, your not going to tell him. I have gone out you do and you will learn to regret it mother. That I will promise you now, “ he turned raisin his hand and striking his younger brother he wasn’t thinking but did not care he wanted to go out and he would to enjoy himself. He was thirteen and things had changed. His dad had him in and out of secure facilities most of his life to the point he did not know when it would stop.  To him how he was acting was normal no matter what the doctors stated or diagnosed him with they were liars and bullies more than anything else.

 

”Come off it son what you hit him for now?” the lady looked to Iuan with a shake of her head and disapproving look as she went to get her youngest son to his feet and tend to the bleeding nose. She knew better than to report it to the hospital even if her husband was the head of the presidents elite service.  But Iuan just shrugged and walked away from the situation and out of the front doors before his brothers had chance to come and deal with it all. As his brothers screams got louder, Iuan ran through the streets passed cars and slipped into the darkened alley ways where he could vanish into the night and not be seen again for hours or even days. But the street kids and gangs knew all the hide outs dotted along the walk ways of the town.  Wych was a small picturesque town in the middle of Perrin woods it was a beautiful area of the local wood land with a history dating back to the Roman times.

 

As he ran through the woods and down the back alleys along the woodland trail his problems in this moment a million miles from his mind. But if that was the case why was he running?  Why was he so scared of his father? Life surely could not be that bad right? He shook his head as he thought about those questions and then tried to work it all out. He had been declared a mistake of nature a freak, an idiot above all else.

 

By a doctor De’ath that he had been sent to see under the guise of counseling after being involved in a car crash of a stolen black Austin Martin Mark 3 which belonged to the presidents fleet.  He shook his head as he tried to forget that, he could not imagine a worse place to be but the facilities which would be where he would be sent if they found him again. Those place’s scared him to death things they did to the prisoners to get them back under control were there was a time it was outlawed to do that.

 

But this was to be the start of his tale, the start of something but he did not know or yet understand what it was. Something had changed the air became charged with electricity. Something he could not understand what was going down as he stopped briefly and looked over to the old Roman fort. Which had been turned into a church he saw it glowing a bright orange halo around the building and stopped to admire it.

 

As people walked passed with out a second glance to the church, he wondered why no one was batting an eye lid. Even he knew it was not an everyday occurance that this event happened. When according to legend the building was situated on a temple of mythras a Roman god. As he shook his head he thought for a minute and figured it was an optical illusion but some how that did not fit right with him.

 

So he kept on with the run until he reached the center of the woods, and an old abandoned large black and white building which had been left to rot for many years. It was an old church with a curse attached that the dead shall rise again and destroy the who ever dared to tread upon its unholy ground. The marks of a large beast attack remained in the door. But that was the thing as he entered the church he noticed a group of fifteen children of various sizes and shapes huddle in the corner of the church.

 

He knew they was his friends he would rather be with them than at home with his controlling angry parents. Who took the chance at every opportunity to remind him how screwed up he was. Not once did they think that the work he went through at camp or the facilities could be the reason was he was messed up.

 

But they turned on his friends and him instead of seeking out the real reasons, behind him he did not want to be bad not all the time. But there was something deeply routed in him and many others he knew that made him that way.  As he stood and  looked to his friends with a smile he shook his head for a minute then worked through things he needed to think of .

 

“Hey Jerry, Michael, Wade, Shane.” he called out and took a moment as he thought about things. When he looked over to the oldest few who walked over to him they stood in front of him their arms across his chest and noticed another man stood in the corner “Hey Ant been a long time, good to see you home boss.” he smiled as he looked for Kit but could not see him he remembered the night they dragged Antero out of the family home and into the back of a truck.

 

”Don’t bother he’s not talking to anyone not even mom, something to do with some new therapy they have him on at the Institute. I hate that place always screws the inmates up more than helping them.” Kit stated and looked to his brother aware Antero should not be out of the family home at that time. When they all walked to the seats and sat down.

 

“Give the little ones time to settle down and we can watch him for a minute, I will have to take him home before the guards check his room. Mom don’t know where he’s been but dad is being a total control freak over Ant. “ D.c stated as he looked over for a minute and back to his friends as he noticed Iuan was shaking then back to the boys.

 

”What’s going on Iuan?” Kit looked to his friend curious for a minute then as he noticed the nervous look on his friends face. He didn’t know what was going on but got a feeling it was not good news.

 

“Mom and I had an argument, and I hit Justin think I bust his nose this time, I didn’t mean to hit him just got so angry with her at times and I can not hit her he was in the wrong place. So I took off and headed here, I can’t go home bro, they’ll send me back to that place again or I will do something.” he thought a minute and looked over to his best friends and the younger kids “Let me go out on a hunting squad or salvage route, I will work like the others and you know I’m good for it.” Iuan figured he’d offer something to his old unit they might let him stay.

 

“Al-right you don’t need to but you’ll have to go eventually they find you and it will be worse. But sit have a beer and smoke, perhaps we can go and see the santi’s race before you go home and I drag mister man over.” Kit smiled as he looked to his brother not talking to anyone. “You know what I guess we have to go to that place before anything gets better for us right? Before we can be who and what we are meant to be? “ Antero looked over to his friends and brothers for the first time since he came home talking.

 

“Yeah bro, but what they changing us into because it ain’t good bro, the pain we go through damn that’s something.” Iuan stopped as he knew the kids off planet was getting worse than they could, but the hatred and the feeling of being chained to the discipline was something that hounded the children everyday nightmares of the pain they was going through. “I don’t want to be like this, let alone having to huddle into this place but you boys are the only ones who accept me.” He smiled a little as he looked to the kids around him a couple of rich kids and a couple of street kids and runaways but they was all running from something and united through a strong bond of something that had happened to them. Iuan grabbed a beer as he looked to Antero.

 

”Who knows in this damned war we are stuck in but one thing I know is we will get our own back one day. I swear you that one will happen we will kick their ass but dad is stuck up the profs ass and thinking of sending mom back to the asylum from what I heard last night when they fought over me again. My damned fault bro, if I was not around dad would be better with mom.” Ant looked over for a minute and thought about it all as he looked to his friend for a minute.

 

”No bro he would be bastard anyway, he was an abusive ass when she was pregnant with me and threw her in an asylum then. But that Marnac chap she talks fondly of helped. And Iuan we are a brotherhood because of what we have gone through with the professors and demons in society.” he smiled for a minute as he thought of the times they had all stood against it all and saw the professors face full of fear he could tell the older kids remembered it just as much as he did.   Memory that seemed to give them kick of adrenaline, something sparked in them but they hated having to send Iuan back to that hell.

 

“I know bro, I just need to hang for a while and calm down before I head home.” he said as he heard his phone ring out he wanted to ignore it but took the phone out and raised his finger to his lips. “Hey dad,” he listened to the call for a second “I’m out, I know all about that father.” he took note on what his dad was saying aware the calm to his dads voice was an act “Yeah meet me out at the Bay dad, I will be there, I got to go dads meeting me he sounds calm.” Iuan stated as he looked over he did not know what he would do, or how he could get out of this as he looked to the boys and threw his coat over his left shoulder.

 

As his friends nodded and watched him walk out of the church so the trouble would not be brought back to the others, once again he found himself with thoughts which he did not like and memories but to protect his friends was his main objective. As the temper started to rise again but he needed to put the shutters up on emotions to deal with the problem.

 

As he walked through the woods and down to the coastal path towards the rocky cliffs and bay he figured it would take his dad half hour to arrive. Which would give him time to think about everything he knew, he could not get out of the doctor and the institution that he was going to. As he walked to the golden sands and sat down on the beach for a while watching the ocean slowly creep in and out as the tides natural calming magical charm washed over him and started to relax him.

 

While he waited for his father to arrive he started to enjoy the peace and quiet the only thing he heard was the birds in the sky and the crashing waves against the rocks. When suddenly the silence was disturbed by the sound of a heavy car engine which drew his attention to the road he noticed his dads car and got to his feet as the car stopped next to him.

 

“Son get the fuck in NOW.” the gray hired slim man looked over to his son with a look of hatred in his eyes “GET IN BEFORE I THROW YOU IN.”

 

Instantly the child opened the door and thought about running, as he looked to the young men in the car with his dad. He was scared enough so decided to comply with his dad and not make it worse. As he looked to his dad and put the seat belt on he felt a gun jam into his head he closed his eyes for a few minutes swallowing hard as the cold hard metal jammed into the side of his skull.

 

”Dad I’m not running tell Eric to get the gun out of my damn head,” he felt a blow to the side as his dads protection officer punched him hard.

 

”Sorry son you had a chance to behave and you failed, you had a chance to show you was better this time but you started trouble. There’s nothing we can do you going back your nothing to anyone now and your mothers given up. Eric will leave us at the hotel and then you and I will see the doctors alone in the morning.” Richard told his son and looked to him with a half smile with look of hatred in his eyes.

 

”All right dad I will be have and comply just tell him to stop pressing it into my head I got the gun one side and the window the other please.” Iuan tried to beg his dad to get them to back down as he glanced at the lock. He couldn’t help but to notice it was locked tight and he couldn’t open it. As other cars drove past them on the highway he looked to the men in the car and shut his eyes for a brief moment as he tried to force the fear he felt in that moment back.

 

Within minutes he noticed a black van with the red skull within a green triangle on the side of the van with a little red AS either side of the triangle. He recognized it as a transport the anger mixed with fear rose from deep within the child. But he had to hold the fear back he had no choice but to allow what was going to happen, to happen his fathers hotel was down the road only a matter of minutes from where they was then it would be over. As soon as they parked up the men made their exit from the car and opened the door.

 

The kid found himself dragged from the car and through to the back of the cabin when his dad took the belt off and flexed it as the others cuffed the kids hands to the study table so he could not run away. The old man prepared to hit him with the hard cold steel of the buckle bringing each blow of the belt down hard against the teens back.

 

”OWWW DAD PLEASE ARGH I’M SORRY DAD.” he cried out in sheer agony as each lash hurt and dug deeper Into his back ripping open old scars and creating new cuts. As he tried to pull away from the study table and get to his feet as he had been forced onto his knees with his head resting on the table and the constant force of the belt against the bear back.

 

“You deserve this son, you brought it on your own back now time to face the consequences of your actions.  It will teach you not to do it again, I do not care how long we have to stay here for but your not coming out. “ he put the belt to the side of him on a large wooden chest of drawers as he saw his son hold in the pain even though he wouldn’t flinch after a few minutes. Iuan found himself alone his head on the table and arms stretched out to the side as if he was bent over a cross but knelt on the floor when his father walked out of the room and turned the light off.

 

This left the teen in major pain and alone in the dark as he heard the growling of a wild animal. His dad kept locked into the cells at the back of the room, he knew the dogs had been starved and was half out of their minds to go with it. As his father mistreated them. As the saliva dripped from the gowls of the hounds mouth the snarling angry growls started to fill the room with terror as Iuan could hear them roaming in the pens.

 

He wanted to scream out to be let out of the room, but knew from experience this would not do any good and to pull free from the heavy cuffs on the special table would pull his shoulders out. But he tried and found he could not pull out of it all.  Every minute was agony as he felt his resistance waning due to the fact he was tired and hungry. As he looked over to the far wall and noticed the statue of Jesus stood straight with his arms out in front of him As if beckoning him towards the light of the lords love but in that moment he snapped and shook his head.

 

”No your the reason I am like this, your the reason I am sinning and “ the teen sighed and looked to the statute it could not be crying but then again it could be. “You are why fathers such an ass you don’t exist you can’t otherwise I would not be like this.” Iuan growled as he looked over for a minute then could be seen on his face even though he tried to hide it as the doors opened and a bucket of ice cold water was thrown at him from the door to wake him up more.

 

Than he was already as some young girl walked in and shook her head that she could not talk to him and poured salt water over his back. Every inch of him wanted to scream out in agony but he fought to retain the pain as he was left again in the room in pain, and this time cold due to the ice water.  “Damn you dad I will get even sooner than you think, “ he growled as he knew soon it would be him and his father no one else then he could deal.

 

He could look at his friends in the eyes once more and deal with the demons in the church the men, women and children who had nothing to call theirs. Was what kept him going until the moment he passed out being woken up by the rooms door slamming open a drunken man stumbling down the stairs. He could tell his father was drunk it was the main reason they left his mothers at times of punishment Iuan took a deep breathe and heard the scraping of the metal against the wood. Suddenly the pain of the metal meeting his skin and he allowed a groan out.

 

”You have no right to feel the pain, your nothing but a dumb animal back home you would be a slave or they would execute you. Look at Jesus and beg him for forgiveness, his sacrifice is wasted on children like you. He died for your sin.” The muscular man stated as he seemed to get a kick from having his son in this position. As he brought each belt down hard on his sons back he continued with the rants “You’re useless, both your mother and I regret the day you was born. Neither of us can believe scum like you can come from our lions.” the father got a kick when Iuan cried out in pain.  But could not understand why the lights was flickering with each strike of the belt which continued until the father collapsed due to the drink.

 

Early the following morning the father woke up and punched his son hard in the back several times “See what your turning me into, this is your fault and the fact your mother wants to leave me is as well.  I wish you was never born.” he stated as he released his son from the cuff a hand at a time cuffing the kid behind his back and marched to the car. Before they drove out towards a large country estate owned by the doctors and professors of Dixie Ranch Institute a private medical facility carrying out experimental procedures into criminality in young teens and children.

 

They both sat perfectly quiet on the journey as the boy was too scared to say anything and could barely move as he was secured tight. As they drove out along the country roads, and trees seemed to wiz past. But time seemed to stop or at least slow down until they hit the final stretch of road, and a large black and white building appeared in front of them. Iuan watched at his father waved the paperwork at the security and drove through to the bay he was to park in.  Once it was parked up Iuan’s door was opened by a tall dark haired soldier who seemed to have muscles everywhere and red eyes.

 

”OUT THE CAR SON AND GO WITH THE SOLDIERS, I WILL SEE YOU IN SIX MONTHS.”  he growled and watched the soldiers take Iuan out then walk him away to the block he would be in for the next few months with no visitors which was not permitted once you dropped the child off you walked away and collected at the end of their time in the facility

 

. No news came from the staff but the old man watched his son being dragged away and could hear the refusal from his son but knew there was nothing he could do as Iuan walked with the soldiers.  And into the building as the doors shut behind them Iuan walked down to the main isolation cells and was shown his cell. Which was a small 6 x 5 cold concrete room, with a small hole in the wall to allow in the air.  Once in they remove the cuffs and walked away from the room slammed and locked the door behind them.

 

Iuan found himself slammed back into the dark pit of hell, as he looked around the bare room and knew it would be hard work and painful for him.  As he sat and looked at the clothes wondered what would happen as he hadn’t been in for a while as the pain and fear flooded back as he sat contemplating everything.

New Chances

 

 

What can I tell you well since the last biog which details the fucked up past I have had I’m sitting here following another rough night thinking drink of cider or coffee?  If I remember right then I can tell you I’ve survived domestic abuse, domestic violence, coercive control but I can’t go into detail until after the police investigation is over.  But anyway I opted for the coffee option considering this will wake me up More, therefore I can write.  I left the Boost course with the promise of keeping in touch with two people I met on the course, unfortunately none of them live near me opposite sides of the city.  So I find I’m sending them texts today to see how they re doing plus giving advice to the one, which it is up to that person if they take it or not, I will arrange to meet them next week in the centre for  burger or something. Before I head to my anxiety & relaxation course they re what I can see my first two friends since moving to the city.

This week is  bad time for me it would have been robs 40th birthday this weekend.  ( https://lhewittwriter.wordpress.com/2018/10/06/teenage-kicks/) 27th October instead of  time where we meet up to party his crew my second family will be meeting close to robs family land. We would be drinking in his memory while some of the kids either did stunts or fought or told stories of him. In some ways keeping his memory live his father would be joining us to remember his son but this year due to my situation I can not return to pay tribute.  So I will be in my home drinking to his memory and remembering my rob the days of carrying is over the drugs now don’t exists to me personally any more..  The only pit fall I have now is drinking this will be sorted out over time though, I don’t drink in the morning and not often I have something in the afternoon but evening is when I do.

When everything is silent I have time to reflect on the errors I have made, it is then I need to reach for the drink. But if truth be told even though I have drinks I don’t drink myself into oblivion any more. I have realised what’s the point in that when you sober up either the situation is worse or the same just like it was before drinking. In my youth the fact is it was often worse than the original situation, I loved n lost the boy nothing can be done now. Other than step but step piecing the life back together I know that my father would want me to live good happy life just like rob would, neither would want me stopping my life because of what id been though.  I had no control over my life for such long time its bout time I got that back regain that control. Part of that is to say I m sorry for what I did when I was young stupid and naive and although I know many who will red this wont know what I’ve said that for it is important to for me to say it as part.   I cant say that I’m asking for forgiveness from any one for what I did In my childhood.

 

 Plan one

 

Things I will deal with over the next few weeks to get on my feet

 

  1. Slowly ease on the drinks bring it down to the recommended units

 

  1. Rebuild from the core, confidence & self esteem, Motivation, fitness

 

  1. Go to groups to make friends & associations,

 

  1. Start to volunteer for two charities valley house & CGL (this will extend social network and help get experience plus training then six months references.)

 

  1. Complete writing the books & focus on blog

 

  1. Work on the stock on tee-spring & threadless (we ll need to make money)

 

  1. To do what is required to help the legal investigation

 

  1. To eat better than I did whilst in the relationship

 

That’s the first few steps if I sell anything then I will happily donate 25% of my profits to Valley house. On the other hand I will donate 50% profits to Valley House & 50% profits to ashray.

 

Volunteer there’s plenty of time in the week to do voluntary work, you only need to do few hours per week so I could easily do two different place’s during the week up to six hours within CGl and up to six hours with Valley house or for that matter one day per place it depends on the needs of the place.       He would never allow fish in the house so since I came here I’ve been eating more fish, in fact I’m on three meals every day from cereal to sandwiches and pasta/rice or couscous.

 

 

Whats going on? – Connected blog

https://lhewittwriter.wordpress.com/2018/10/25/personal-blog/

 

Don’t let the past define you- Connected blog 2

https://lhewittwriter.wordpress.com/2018/10/31/dont-let-the-past-define-you/

 

 

Remain true to who you are

Remain true to who you are, and be proud yourself,
of what you have achieved, stand tall for you are unique,
there’s not another person creating the same colour,
within the spectrum, like you casting your spell and creating,
a vibrant and warm place, where we all can be who we choose to be.

A place full of harmony, just like there is uniqueness,
within the nature around us, a sense of achievement,
and individuality is what we search for can be found,
deep within ourselves, do not fear being different,
for the unique personalities and perspectives,
can make a change in the world we live.

Everybody is unique in their perceptions of the world,
not one mind is the same as the other as we are individual,
the echos of the past as we can see strangers faces in the mist,
but can not see them clear due to the shadows as we stare out,
to the eternal pit of darkness, we all share in our time of need,

For we are all unique in our complexities and be proud of that.

 

Be proud for you are not like anyone else,
do not fear to stand against the crowd,
be you and stand tall for your happy to be,
even if they stop and stare at you simply offer a smile,
be true to who you are and not what others want you to be.

Don’t let the past define you…….

 

What do I mean bout this, yeah we ll have some sort of screwed up past no matter what it is none of us re perfect.  I think this was the first thing I have had to accept recently my mistakes, my difficult moments shall we call it the embarrassing moments.  I have put my head in the sand for too long, but eventually I found I needed to o things I swore I would never do first call the cops over the abuse, coercive control and violence I have been suffering for many years, acceptant of the matter I fucked up but I needed to think and believe that it was not the end of my life.

 

I can still be someone and take part in society, once I had come to ease with myself I needed to decide how to become part of society.   I started to learn bout the effects of society on our mental health, which did help put something in perspective I knew from that moment that I wanted to work on my own faults from confidence through to my troubled youth stuff that was left over from this.  Even though I did not have faith or belief in me I noticed that others did, something I never had before in my life.

 

Life in  refuge situation when I came I found friendship, almost like  family but I have since lost touch with them which is  shame. But now I’m in place run by the refuge which is good, I can do what I need to with in reason of course. No loud music, no visitors without their permission, pay the service charge, but one thing I do lack is clothes for the winter and food on occasions. But this is where the SVP Saint Vincent De Paul society has come into help me sometimes I get  grant just small mount to help pay for  little extra food and recently small grant to help with clothes for the winter. I would like to work but the simple fact I don’t have references, and I would not be able to afford the refuge care if I did.  Which with the police investigation still ongoing I need the support from the workers.

Even though I m doing the courses, and I’m working to better future it is like my life’s on hold.  Until the investigation has been completed & I know what is going to happen, I’m hoping they press charges but I m concious of the fact it might be no further action something I will deal with at the time.

But still its a new city, new start somewhere no one knows me and no one knows my past.  I made sure during the boost I mentioned my past heck I cant tell you how bigger part of me it is my past. if it was not for that then I would not be where I’m now. There’s something about this city which gives you positive kick, people seem better than they did in my old town or was it just the case I never met the right ones before my life got wrecked. The part I’m in now is calmer than what I’m use to, since eleven I’ve been used to bit more life but its nice seems to have low crime rate. Don’t get me wrong I like it here its safe from him that’s what matters

 

In my next blog I outline the steps I want to take to get back on my feet, currently I’m in the process of making statements to the police over 20 years of abuse by the hands of my abuser which in the end affected my thirteen yr old daughter.

The first step is about drinking well I have lowered it from 27units in  night to 24units over the week. My intention is to get back to one drink at Christmas or to be totally tee-total, but certainly under the limit I’m drinking right now. Over the course of the next week I will be drinking less cider I’m planning on having alcohol free days  of which i have done two days and cutting back on the mount perhaps only having half  pint to pint on the days I do drink. I might even switch what I drink to beer or lager so I can have shandy. Which for those who don’t know is beer and lemonade mixed together something even the children can drink from  certain age its better than gut rot cider.

The second one was to rebuild from the core like if we was gardening we would have to weed out the bad stuff and take the weeds up from the roots. Changing your way of living even thinking is like doing that, well that’s what my worker in CGL says to me and I guess in somewys she is right. Before I discovered Change, Grow, Live I found out bout MIND – the mental health charity and started to attend the courses first one was improving motivation. What the person said who led that made more sense than I had herd in sometime.   Motivation is merely state of mind, the lacking of energy to see through something and to overcome this you need to break down what might seem massive task into smaller portions to be able to deal with it. I’m currently studying anxiety management and relaxation which is teaching me what exactly it is and that relaxation and meditating can often help to over come it.  I’m going to be on other courses to rebuild my life these include confidence and self esteem, dealing with conflict.
Between CGL and Mind I will meet new people and make those important connections where I live. I might not make friends to start with but we require social interaction need people we can say hello to when the time comes even if it is passing someone in the street. Just remember  Saying hello saves lives. This is due to the natural need for social interaction for generations human beings have been social we have hunted in packs so no we don’t do well on being on our own. Even for communication we need to be able to talk to others, share ideas, talk and drink, laugh the natural progression but even though we re naturally social.  This does not me an that we have the right to cause trouble, to put others in harms way or for that matter to treat people like there shit, outcasts or even possession and something to be controlled.

 

You know I would like to work with teens, young people and adults but the fact is I doubt someone in their teens would listen to someone in their late 30s.  But if I can get some work mentoring young people who are going through hell, perhaps in the gang life, taking drugs, drinking to excess, and steer them in the right direction through using my own experiences then I will be more than happy to do this.  I currently doing on-line courses in Young people and mental health, effective communication with vulnerable young people both through FutureLern.  I believe people can turn their lives round and improve no matter what stage of life your in.

 

People say don’t do anything your going to regret because your past will come and hunt you.  Well here I m string mine in the face and refusing to back down for the foreseeable future, I hold my hands up and state I fucked up but you know what if I can change so can you. The power to alter who we re is in each and everyone of us, it might just be  case to unlocking it through courses or talking to the right people and seeking help for what problem we have but it is within your ability to do what you need to. I will say the first step is the hardest but the most worth while once over the threshold your on the rod to recovery remember you can do it.

As for my writing on the books I m glad to announce that my chapbook of poetry will be ready for editing in the next few weeks. It is a chapbook of forty poems which include Christmastime, thanksgiving, Halloween, Yule, boxing day, the donkey, snow wolves, animals.

As for the novel this is being written and will be ready for editing in the next few months.

Connected Blog
https://lhewittwriter.wordpress.com/2018/10/25/personal-blog/

WHAT’S GOING ON??

 

A lot has happened to me since my last personal post, I have moved many miles from where I lived this was due to running from domestically violent household with someone who thought it was okay to rape me, threaten & control me when he wanted. Sure when I was younger I was stupid  I screwed up much of my young life, trouble with the law drugs and drink basically I made a total twit of myself.  What else will you do if you don’t have the importance of good life,  good upbringing, people who believe in you. People who say its possible to change I remember no one had faith in me,  as no one had faith I did not see the point in myself, no one thought I would do anything other than cause trouble, My life would never mount to anything. my confidence had become low, motivation was non-existent when i was in my teens even to my late 20s.  Of course I’d miscarried by fourteen and  mum by twenty six, When I was eleven to sixteen I loved being out with my boyfriend Rob was his name we used to hang on the park doing everything possible to escape my life.  I ended up bouncing from home to home, job to job even being unemployed for years living on the streets well church graveyard. I had ambitions, plans but continually heard they would not happen and I was wasting my time.

So I never had anyone to tell me you know what sure you messed up but look this is possible. You have the ability to do everything you would like to set your mind to it and you’ll succeed.  Well since coming to my new home I’ve met people who believe in me. People who told me how much I have improved in confidence over the past few weeks. It’s hard to think that someone telling you that you count for something, would boost you that your belief that your just a screw up, and you’ve fucked up your life is wrong.   The past four weeks I have been on a course which aimed to boost my confidence, improve my sleep, learn healthy eating, relaxation plus many other things. Everyone ended our final course with how well I’m doing which gave me the much needed boost. I realised many things since being in this city, somewhere I know no body the main thing is I need to do things to make me proud of myself. I don’t need to care what others think of me, but my plans can come to fruition with hard work and dedication.  So recently I’ve gone from 27 units of alcohol in one day to 22units in a week, with intention for bringing it down even further next week.

Drinking is common coping mechanism when you have been through 20 years of hell. I’ve learnt that it is common for any one running from what I have, you know what I can tell you this above everything else I’ve learnt how to believe in me, the most important thing  I can do. You see Domestic Violence / Domestic abuse / Coercive Control strips the person of everything they have, so the first step is rebuilding myself from inside out. But know what I need to say this to everyone out there, if you have been involved in gang crime, knife crimes, gun crimes, in trouble with the law, been on drugs or alcoholic, mentally ill or simply lost your way. If this is because no one has given you  chance or crushed every dream you have had. Told you your worthless, never mount to anything, your wasting your time or you’re a worthless piece of shit.

 

Nothing can be further from the truth, I screwed up my youth and therefore remember the feeling of handcuffs, I remember the sensation of being in the police cell, even remember the feeling I got going through  booking in with in the police station. No one was there for me to steer me in the right direction, I remember threatening the police to throw them off bridges, through windows just like I did workers with in the hostel I once lived. The feeling of carrying the knife, sleeping with it under the pillow, even the feeling of using it. How it felt to smoke the weed and other drugs I took, being nicked for drunk & disorderly amongst other things.  I remember being threatened with CS spray, but now I’m rebuilding my life proving that I’m able to do better. I will do what I want to in this life with sheer hard work and a new found determination.   I don’t just think I can I know I can improve myself and rebuild who I am and what I was into who I want to be.

Just like I know everyone else with a bad past can do the same, I believe and have faith in your if no one else will. Because if I can turn my life round then trust me anyone can with the right support anything is possible. I have to rebuild from the inside out but im going to courses through Mind which is a mental health charity to regain my confidence & self esteem, motivation, help me deal with my anxiety & relaxation, I’m aiming to do one in regards to dealing with conflict. I’m going to CGL to help recover from the alcohol from this I hope to become a peer mentor, then study to be a specialist in this field but I would like to help other charities such like Valley House, Mind and the SVP Saint vincents de paul society and give tlks on the issues I have gone through in my life.  As for the books I’m currently writing a 40 poem chapbook, as well as being 65,937 words into a scifi novel. I’m also in the process of the planning a series of books on the subject of knife crime, gun crime, gangs, among other aspects of my youth.

DO I REGRET IT???    

Yes I do in some instances i wish i could take it back, see from the moment I pulled the knife on the kid when I was younger I changed.   My life took a wrong turn onto a bad road I wish i could take back the control earlier, there’s not a day I dont have nightmares about my life or what happened to me due to my ex.

I will post again next week on wednesday.

 

Kindness

Kindness and friendship two of the most positive things,

knowing this world can offer if you are willing to take a chance,

need to stand for who you are and willing to be who you need to be,

don’t defend the oppressors who will see people on the streets,

never ignore the pressing matters you bare witness to,

everyone needs a little hope, a beam of kindness in their lives,

some a shoulder to cry on others a friend to talk to,

sometimes the kindness is an act of reassurance.

 

Going for gold aiming for the your dreams,

only through kindness and friendship will you be able to reach,

everyone needs a little hope in their lives which society drains,

saying hello can easily save someones life its a simple step,
and can achieve so much more it may give someone a little hope.

 

Life changing capabilities once you open your minds to kindness

open to the benefits of being kind and helping others is golden

noticing the positive feeling when you help someone in need

giving time to help others and share a bit of hope will in turn
help you with your own aims and ambitions attaining a better
piece of mind through spreading hope you are putting light
into someones life and opening them to better things

 

 

Valley House Charity

 

I remember a time not so long ago when I posted every day this is something i want to return to.   Posting challenges, poems, stories, blogs in regards to charity.  One such orgnistion is Valley house.  It runs several schemes for young people and those in need, such as supported accommodtion for those fleeing domestic violence, coercive control, domestic abuse, FGM and many other things.  Theres other sides to this organistion such as nursery and community wellbeing.

I’m currently a service user through two of the services here, community wellbeing is one due to attending course called BOOST through them which has helped me deal with issues I’ve struggled with from anxiety, relaxation techniques, Communicting with people and officials, sleep, and confidence which included setting goals and how to treat myself better. This  has helped me over come  really bad times which was holding me back and realise I’m worth more than I ever thought I did.  One day I will give you an insight into why i have been away for so long, I’m many miles from where I was having ran from the town i used to live in.  For reasons right now will remain away from the public eye.

This orgnistion lso provides  youth house I m told is fun nd helpful to the young people who use the service.  You know there is one thing that help children nd teenagers that is  time to be them without the pressure of society,  time to kick back and relax it is something many children would not have if it was not for orgnisations like Valley House Youth Club, they even get to play footbll on  Friday night, this helps bring the community together just as much as it brings the youth of the community it serves.  But even though it runs very good services it needs help nd support like any charity in March it fces the uncertain future of wether it will be here next year I’m hoping it will but as a service user I m mking an emotional plea for extra funding.
The reason I’m writing this is to ask for your help like i have for many charities in the past.   Many refuges and orgnistions now find that financialy the money to help them run is not there. Many like valley house face losing the contract with their local council.  I have experience of living on the run from Domestic abuse & Coercive control plus rape so I rely upon the services in this country to keep me safe.   I know for a that the lack of funding is crippling for services to help the youth of this country it was extremely difficult for me to find somewhere to go when i needed it.  Valley house seemed to be the ones who offered me safety, nd since then through links helping me sort my life out.  I hve now seen the trouble in my life for what it was, I have accepted the wrongs but with the help from this organisation realise its not to late to improve plus deal with my problems then to aim for my chosen career opportunity.

I have kept this blog short for now and one day i will  write another perhaps share my story.  But I would like to say if it wasn’t for this place I would most likely be dead by now, but it can only help people like me, and the community of Coventry if people help them by donting food and money..

For more informtion please look at the Valley house website
https://valleyhouse.org.uk/

To donte to valley house
https://www.justgiving.com/valleyhouse

Wise words #1

Do what make you happy not what others want we spend to much time putting others wishes and demands infront of our own.   

Don’t look for people to be proud of your achievements when all that matters is for you to be proud of your achievements.  

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloweeen, Blessed Samhain
a festival of fun for all no matter of religion,
as things may go bump in the night,
phantoms and vampires roam the street,
Bloodcurdling screams fills the air,
as the viels between realms become thin.

Whatever your doing tonight,
I want to wish you a happy and safe night,
lets pay out ancestors respect,
and have a good fun filled night .